Someone to Talk To
by iwannagibbs
Summary: This story has been updated as of 2-8-15. It started out as a oneshot after Diane told Gibbs he was her Shannon. A second chapter has been added after the events of "Check".
1. Chapter 1

This has been on my computer for a looong time and I finally decided to put it out there. Hope you like it.

**Someone To Talk To**

A telephone rings in an office in Alexandria Virginia.

"Hello, Jethro. It's been a while. How are you?"

"Do you miss the days before caller ID? When a ringing phone held the promise of a small mystery and maybe a nice surprise."

"It's still a mystery and a nice surprise when I see your name."

"I need to see you. Got any time tonight?"

"I'll be free after 8:00. Would you like to meet somewhere else or come here?"

"I'll come there. Can I bring dinner?"

"Yes. Anything but Chinese. Had it for lunch."

"Italian it is. See you at eight."

NCIS Special Agent Jethro Gibbs arrived on time as usual and made himself at home in the office. Wine was poured and lasagna portioned out on plates his longtime friend and sometimes counselor provided.

"It's been a long time Jethro. Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Then why are you here?"

"I miss you?"

"That sounded more like a question. I do miss you though."

She didn't ask again. She knew he'd tell her when he was ready. But if she doesn't ask the first time he sometimes used that as an excuse to not talk about whatever demon or dark experience had brought him to her.

When they were finished eating, she leaned back on the couch to enjoy her wine. Jethro cleared away the plates and threw away the takeout containers. He paced around the room for a while and finally settled with his back to her looking out the window. The view from there across the Potomac River to National Harbor was spectacular on a clear night like tonight.

In a quiet, almost soft voice he began. She's used to this and knows to listen carefully lest she miss something he will be loathe to repeat.

"Had a case this week that involved Diane."

"Is she alright?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your cases often involve dead bodies. That's why I asked."

"Oh. She's alright. Her husband was missing. We found him. She came to see me last night. At home. She gave me back my grandfather's railroad watch. Said she didn't think I ever loved her. Said the only woman I ever loved was Shannon."

He stopped and took a drink of his wine. She waited. She knew he wasn't finished and she thought maybe she might need to say something. After another short wait she decided to go ahead.

"I'm glad about the watch. I know it was important to you. What do you think about what she said?"

"I think I loved her. At least I tried to."

"If I remember correctly you and Diane have often had that same discussion in the past. I don't think that's why you're here, Jethro."

She saw him take a deep breath and heard him sigh. He drank some more wine and she waited again. He turned to face her and the look on his face broke her heart.

"She said I was her Shannon."

She heard the raw emotion in his voice and saw it on his face. Clearly, he had been thinking about this and was distressed by its implications. She knew they were on unfamiliar ground now. Very rarely had she see such unchecked emotion from Jethro.

"Oh wow."

"Wow? That's not very professional. "

"I don't know what else to say."

Jethro turned back to the window. Absently he reached up and touched his cheek.

"Yeah, I know. She put her hand on my face and said, 'you were my Shannon.' Then she just walked out. I was too stunned to say anything. I just stood there holding the watch."

Most of the time it's best to leave Jethro alone in times like these but she'd never heard him like he was tonight. A certain sadness and regret was very evident in his voice. Instead of staying on the couch she got up and went to him. Standing beside him she put her hand on his back and immediately Jethro turned and embraced her. He held onto her and let her comfort him; something he had done only a couple of times in the years she'd known him.

Several minutes later Jethro stepped back and she let her hands slide down his arms to hold his hands.

"Come sit down and let's talk about what that means to you."

They settled on the couch, Jethro with his legs stretched out and his head back on the soft leather cushion.

"Talk to me, Jethro. That's why you came after all. Don't try and understand it or filter it, just talk."

Jethro closed his eyes and concentrated on the feel of her hand running up and down his arm. This was their technique; she gave him some physical contact to ground him and he just started talking. It was like turning on a faucet; he didn't think about what he was saying he just let his thoughts flow.

"I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I'd been willing to try harder. She had Emily with Tobias; we could have had kids together. I keep thinking about how much I loved Shannon and it's hard for me to accept that Diane loved me like that. It makes me feel like such a bastard. I didn't treat her very well a lot of the time. To think she loved me in that way and I didn't see it. Makes me wonder if Shannon knew how much I loved her. I was just so shocked when she said that all I could do was stand there and watch her walk away. Over the years I've come to accept that I was a bastard to all three of my ex's; that I hurt them, but I never thought much about them actually loving me. Frankly, it didn't feel like they did by the time it was over."

When he stopped talking she waited. She wanted to be sure he was finished; at least for the moment, before she commented. These were emotions and thoughts they had not explored before. At least most of them were. The idea that he was a bastard had been discussed many times. When she was sure he was ready for her to say something she did so.

"I suspect Diane is the exception but at the time she didn't give you the idea she loved you as she now says she did. I would guess that was an attempt at the time, to protect herself from the hurt you were causing each other. As to Shannon, I feel sure she knew very well how much you loved her. You were able to tell her and show her; you weren't protecting yourself with her. Don't waste time questioning your life with Shannon. Maybe you'd be better served to wonder about why you don't understand how Diane could have loved you so fiercely."

"It scares me to think about her loving me like that because we didn't work. Does that mean Shannon and I wouldn't have worked? Do you see what I mean?"

"Yes, I see what you mean. But you must remember Jethro, it takes two to make a marriage work. You and Shannon were working because you were both in love. You and Diane didn't work because you were not in love with her. You may have cared deeply for her; I believe you did, but you were not totally in love with her as you were with Shannon. You were hardened by then. You had seen war and death, killed and almost been killed yourself. You were not that idealistic young man Shannon met at the train station. You were not willing to change for Diane. That's the difference. And, you are not responsible for how she felt about you."

"Then why do I feel so rotten about what she said?"

"You tell me."

Jethro turned his head slightly and looked at her through barely open eyes.

"Not fair," he said as he settled back in the cushion. "Okay, partly because I don't like thinking I so totally misread her."

"What else?"

"I felt like I was hurting her all over again. I can't explain it really. It was just such a shock and after she left it hurt all over again like it did when we finally gave up."

They sat in comfortable silence for a long time. It was getting late and she had an early day tomorrow but she would stay as long as Jethro needed her to. He hadn't called her in a couple of months and tonight had been pretty intense for both of them. She didn't want to rush him. Besides, she liked sitting with Jethro. He was one of her favorite people and they didn't see as much of each other lately as she would have liked. Their meetings were always up to him and she accepted the limits, unspoken though they were, that he put on their relationship.

Finally, Jethro sat up and turned to look at her. He reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear then let his hand rest on her cheek. She just looked at him and waited.

"I should go. It's late and I bet you have to be back here early tomorrow. Right?"

"Yes. But we can stay until you're finished."

"I'm finished. I don't know what else to say I just needed to tell you about Diane. I know I have to figure out how I feel about it and go on. There's really nothing to be done anyway. It was just so unexpected it threw me and I needed to talk to you about it."

"I'm glad you did, Jethro. Let me know how you're doing okay?"

"I will but you know, no news is good news where I'm concerned."

"Not necessarily."

He leaned in and kissed her and she resisted the desire that he always produced in her. She kissed him back but didn't let it go anywhere near where she would have liked.

"Thanks for being here tonight. Come on I'll walk you to your car."

She gathered her bag and her jacket and turned off the desk lamp. As they approached the door Jethro reached to open it but stopped with his hand on the knob. He turned and looked at her with a serious look on his face.

"Do you think there is another person out there who could love me like Shannon did? You know, just for me, who I really am. Bastard and all."

She had to take a moment to be sure she answered correctly. For his sake but also for hers.

"I guarantee there is. And are you ready to love someone else, not like you did Shannon because that would be impossible now, but love someone for who they are. And maybe more importantly, are you ready to let someone love you? "

"Some days I think I want that. I want someone to be there when I get home. Someone to wake up with, someone to hold hands with and fight and make up with. Honestly, I want to be with someone but I'm not sure I'm ready."

Again she took a moment. She covered his hand, still on the doorknob, and looked into the blue eyes that had been her undoing the first time she met Jethro. This man knew her almost as well as she knew him and she wanted him to get the message.

"When you are, call me."

"Count on it."

END


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I thought **Someone to Talk To** was complete but after recent episodes I decided Gibbs needed another session with his trusted friend and confidant. I also wanted to write Fornell's reaction a bit differently than it was shown to us. Of course all these characters belong to DB and CBS, not to me. I just like to take them out for a spin occasionally. There are parts of this I like more than others but I cannot keep writing and rewriting so here it is for better or worse. I hope you enjoy.

**Someone to Talk To**

Chapter 2

NCIS Special Agent Jethro Gibbs was sitting in his truck in the parking lot of a small office building in Alexandria, Virginia. He had been sitting there for over an hour without moving. There were very few cars in the parking lot now as it was almost six o'clock in the evening. He was tired but that wasn't the only reason he was just sitting in the truck staring out the window. Actually he wasn't consciously staring out the window he was simply sitting there with no real idea of what he wanted to do next. He hadn't shaved in at least three days and he couldn't have told you the last time he had eaten.

It had been five days since a madman seemingly bent on revenge had murdered Gibbs' ex-wife right in front of him. Five days since Gibbs' world had been turned upside down yet again. He spent the hours after Diane's murder tracking down her killer only to have him slip away when he made the mistake of not shooting him. That was a mistake Gibbs swore he would not make again.

It was getting cold now that the sun was gone but Gibbs was unaware of the creeping cold or even of his immediate surroundings. There was a scene that kept repeating itself in his mind and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't make it stop. In his mind he saw himself sitting in autopsy while Ducky examined his head where the madman's accomplice had hit with the butt of a gun. That was how the murderer got away; one second Gibbs was choking the life out of him and the next Gibbs was unconscious and the man, Sergei, was gone. Gibbs ran his hand roughly down his face wincing when he found the bruise under his left eye, and tried to get the next images out of his head but it was no use. Those few minutes in autopsy would be with him forever.

"_Jethro, sit still and let me check you over!"_

"_I'm alright, Duck."_

"_You are as far from alright as you have been in a very long time, my friend. I need to examine where you were hit so be still."_

_Dr. Mallard carefully poked and prodded the back of Gibbs' head and decided no stitches were needed. _

"_You don't need sewing up which is good. Let me get you a wet cloth and you clean that blood off your face before you leave here."_

_Gibbs was too tired and too close to being in shock to argue. He definitely had at least a mild concussion. Before Ducky came back with the towel, the automatic doors slid open and FBI Agent Tobias Fornell stormed into the room. Gibbs turned around just in time to see Fornell coming at him. The FBI agent was in full fury mode but Gibbs had no time to react._

"_You selfish, reckless bastard! How could you let this happen?"_

_Gibbs stood up to face his friend but before he could take a step or say anything Fornell hit him as hard as he could in the face. Gibbs stumbled back against the nearest autopsy table and Fornell hit him again knocking him to the ground. About that time Ducky re-entered the room._

"_Agent Fornell," he yelled at the FBI agent. "What's going on here?"_

_Fornell paid Ducky no mind. He focused all his anger and grief on the man now struggling to get to his feet. Gibbs managed to stand and brace himself on the table._

"_She trusted you! God only knows why but she did! What the hell were you thinking letting her be involved in this mess of yours?"_

"_Tobias, please!"_

"_No, Duck let him be. He's right." Gibbs could barely speak through the pain in his face and the fog in his brain. _

_Fornell got up in Gibbs' face and for a moment Gibbs thought he was going to hit him again. Instead he pushed him roughly in the chest._

"_What am I supposed to tell Emily? That her mom was killed by a man who hates you?! How is she going to understand that?"_

"_Tobias, I'll talk to her."_

"_The hell you will! You stay away from my daughter! I don't want you anywhere near her!"_

_Ducky again tried to step in but Gibbs held up his hand keeping him away._

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Sorry? How many people are going to die because you pissed off some lunatic? You listen to me, Jethro, you stay away from Emily and you stay out of my way!"_

_Fornell turned to leave but before he walked through the doors he turned back, his shoulders slumped and his rage spent, he said, "She loved you, you know. God help me, she still loved you."_

_Then the doors closed behind him and he was gone. Ducky managed to catch Gibbs just before he hit the floor and guide him to a chair. The good doctor was now very worried about his friend. He had never seen Jethro so emotionally bereft. Even after Jenny's death Jethro had been able to focus and plow through his grief. Somehow this was different and Ducky wasn't sure what to do next. _

Gibbs heard a noise and shook himself out of his trance. Someone was knocking on the passenger side window of the truck. Gibbs leaned over and rolled down the window. There was a policeman looking at him intently.

"You alright, Agent Gibbs?"

"Yeah." Gibbs wondered how this officer knew his name but he didn't bother to ask.

"Sir, you've been sitting here for quite a while. Are you working or do you need assistance?"

"I'm not working, officer. I don't need any assistance. I have an appointment in this building but I'm early."

Gibbs was almost surprised he could give that coherent a statement. It was true though, he did have an appointment. Sort of.

"Agent Gibbs, do you realize you have your gun in your hand? Are you sure you're okay?"

Gibbs looked down and sure enough he was holding his Sig in his lap. He had no idea when he'd taken it out of the holster. Or why.

"I'm fine."

The officer knew who Gibbs was because of course he had run the tag number when a citizen had called to report a man sitting in his truck for the past hour. When the name on the vehicle came back the officer recognized it because he played pick-up basketball with Tony DiNozzo so of course he knew who Gibbs was. Plus, Gibbs was fairly well known in law enforcement circles in the DC Metro area. Even though he was concerned, he had no real reason to do anything more than offer assistance. After all, Gibbs was a Federal Agent and authorized to carry a gun. He hadn't broken any laws just sitting in his truck. It might be somewhat odd but the officer wasn't inclined to push it any further.

"Alright, Agent Gibbs. I appreciate your cooperation."

"No problem."

The officer left and Gibbs put the window back up. He didn't pay any attention to the fact the officer drove to the next parking lot and parked where he could still see Gibbs' truck then pulled out his phone and called DiNozzo.

"Hey, Jeff, what's going on?"

"Tony, I just found your boss sitting in his truck in a parking lot in Alexandria. He doesn't look too good. He actually had his Sig in his hand, just holding it in his lap. He says he's alright and doesn't need any assistance but I thought you'd want to know."

"Absolutely. Thanks. He say what he's doing there?"

"Said he has an appointment in the building."

"What do you mean he didn't look good?"

"Hasn't shaved in a while, face all beat up. The floor of the passenger side was covered in coffee cups and a couple of fast food bags. What's going on, Tony?"

"Not sure. You still got eyes on him?"

"Yeah. You comin' this way?"

"On my way. Text me the address. Can you hang there for a while?"

"I can unless I get a call."

Gibbs looked at his watch and thought he might as well go in for his appointment. Well, it wasn't really an appointment in the normal sense. The way it usually worked was he called, she agreed to see him and he showed up. There was no receptionist to go through, no time set up in advance. It was all usually very spur of the moment. He wasn't always on time but she always waited; she had waited almost three hours once. Gibbs didn't know why she put up with him but he was glad she did because she was the only person he could talk to about 'things'. This time was a little bit different because she had called him. She'd heard about Diane's murder somehow and knew he'd need to talk. He resisted her urging to come see her but in the end she had persuaded him so here he was. Well, almost anyway. He still had to get out of the truck and go upstairs to her office.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He wondered about the gun for a few moments. He found himself talking it out in his head. _Had he taken it out to use it? No, he wasn't thinking of killing himself. Was he? If he was absolutely honest with himself he would have to admit it had occurred to him. Not now though. There was one last bad guy to catch first. If it happened while he was going after Sergei then so be it. Okay, get out of the truck and go in. You have things to say and she's the only one you can say them to. _

Gibbs got out of his truck and trudged into the building. He was glad there weren't any other people around; he didn't want to have to interact with anyone right now. The only person he could manage to be around was the woman waiting on the fourth floor. She's a psychologist and her name is Alexandra but of course Gibbs calls her Alex or sometimes just Al. She doesn't mind that coming from Jethro but he's the only one who gets away with it. They met years ago when she was the therapist of a murdered Navy wife. Gibbs interviewed her for the case then asked her out for coffee. They had been friends ever since. Gibbs found out after that first coffee "date" that he could talk to Alex easier than anyone he had ever known. He'd been talking to her about "things" as he referred to it, for years now. He knew their relationship was unconventional and once or twice he thought about taking it in a new direction but he feared losing her so he didn't do that.

Jethro got in the elevator and pushed the button for the fourth floor. Being in the elevator reminded him of work and he wondered briefly what his team was doing. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. He stepped out and headed down the hall to Alex's office. He didn't knock; he knew no one else was there and he always just walked in. Through the small waiting room and around the corner, Dr. Alexandra Mayfield was waiting. Jethro managed a small smile when he saw her sitting at her desk pretending not to know he was there.

"Hey." His voice sounded loud in the quiet office.

She looked up at him and couldn't stop the gasp that escaped from her throat.

"Jethro, what in the world happened? You look a mess."

She came from behind the desk and stood in front of him close enough to touch him but keeping her hands to herself.

Without a word Jethro engulfed her in a hug that told her more than an hour of talking would have. As long as she had known him, Jethro had seldom appeared so vulnerable. She couldn't help but wrap her arms around him and hold onto him, offering what comfort she could. They stood together in the middle of her office for the better part of five minutes. Neither spoke. Finally, Jethro loosened his hold on her and she dropped her hands, giving him room to step back. Jethro swiped at his eyes trying to erase the evidence of his tears but Alex wasn't fooled. She kept her silence though.

"Come sit down and tell me what happened to your face. And, why you haven't shaved in what looks like a long time."

"You have bourbon?"

"Yes."

"I need to use your bathroom. I'll be right back."

Jethro went down the hall to the bathroom and Alexandra locked the outer office door before pouring them each a measure of bourbon. She sat down on the couch and waited. Often when they met Jethro needed to pace and have time to sort out how he wanted to say whatever it was he was there to say. She was sure this time would be no different. She envisioned a lot of pacing and a lot of silence between revelations this evening.

Alex loved Jethro. She valued him as a friend and she knew he valued her as a confidant. That was why she knew she could never act on her feelings for him. She wasn't technically his therapist; there was never a charge for her time, no notes ever taken and certainly no diagnosis or treatment ever dispensed. He came to her because he trusted her and he often desperately needed someone to talk to about the darkness that was so prevalent in his life. Alex would never do anything that interfered with Jethro's ability to confide in her and she knew if they were in an intimate relationship everything would change and not necessarily for the better. She was resigned to the limits of their relationship and determined to be what Jethro needed; a friend he could trust no matter what circumstances he found himself in.

Jethro looked at himself in the mirror while he washed his hands. He did look a mess he had to admit. Some of that was his fault; the no shaving, no hair combing was on him. Some of it was the result of his encounter with Tobias a few days ago. None if it mattered but he could see why Alex was so worried when she saw him.

When he walked back in the office Alex was hanging up the phone. He picked up the glass of bourbon she indicated was his and took a sip. It felt really good sliding down his throat. It had been a while and he missed it.

"I took the liberty of ordering us some food. I don't image you've eaten a decent meal lately."

"No, not lately."

Jethro carried his glass and went to stand behind Alex's desk and look out the window. He finished the drink in one gulp and turned to find her sitting on the couch watching him. She was the most patient person he knew when it came to waiting for him to talk. She only rarely prodded him before he was ready.

Alex decided to start with what she thought might be an innocuous question.

"Jethro what happened to your face?"

Of course that was really a pretty important question but she had no way of knowing that until Jethro answered.

"Forgot to shave this morning," he answered with a familiar smirk.

"Several mornings it looks like."

"Yeah."

"You have a rather significant black eye, Jethro, and a very colorful bruise on your jaw. Will you tell me what happened?"

Jethro poured himself another drink and walked around the desk as if to sit down on the couch. At the last moment he decided not to and instead began pacing back and forth the length of the room. Alex was used to that and didn't mind. She had learned if she let Jethro have the time and space he needed it was much better for him.

After three or four lengths of the office he said, "Tobias was angry and hit me a couple of times."

"I see. He and Diane were back together right?"

"Yeah."

"Jethro, I called you and wanted to see you because I know this must be terribly difficult for you especially given what Diane said to you last year. I want you to tell me as much or as little as you need to. As always it's your choice but I really believe you need to talk about this."

"I know. I just need to work out where to start. There's so much crap in my head I don't know how to get it all sorted out."

"You don't have to organize it. Just start any place and let it go."

"God, I'm just so tired, Al."

"Come sit down and take some time if you want. The food should be here any minute, we can eat and then maybe you'll feel like talking. We don't have a schedule, Jethro, you know that."

"Yeah, I know."

Jethro sat down on the couch and sipped his drink. He was tired. And hungry. And confused and sad and beyond furious at himself and the murdering shit that had come into his life and started killing people for no apparent reason. He let his head fall back on the cushion and closed his eyes. Alex watched him and wondered how long it had been since he'd slept in a bed. Ten minutes later Alex heard a knock at the office door and went to get their supper.

"Thanks, Paul. I appreciate the quick service."

"No problem, Dr. Mayfield. I'll put this on your tab."

Alex handed him a tip and thanked him again. She returned to the office and set about putting the food out on the coffee table in front of the couch. She got two bottles of water out of her fridge, kicked off her shoes and sat down. The aroma of roasted chicken and potatoes brought Jethro out of his stupor.

"Smells good."

"Dig in. When was the last time you had a meal with real food, Jethro?"

"Not sure. Been a while though."

They ate in comfortable silence. Jethro ate all of his before Alex was half way through. She silently gave him part of her chicken and most of her potatoes. He didn't protest. He drank the whole bottle of water then sat back and sighed.

"Thank you. I needed that."

"You are welcome."

Alex cleared away the plates and containers and brought Jethro another bottle of water. Then she settled on her end of the couch, sitting with one leg under her facing him, and waited. Compared to other times with Jethro she didn't have to wait long.

"Tobias came in autopsy while Ducky was checking me over the night Diane was killed. He was furious. Beyond furious really but I don't know how else to describe it. He punched me before I knew what was happening. Called me a selfish, reckless bastard. I've known Tobias for a long time but I'd never seen him so angry. I think he wanted to kill me. Can't say I blame him. He and Diane were gonna' get married again. Start over. As he was leaving he said Diane still loved me. Don't believe that, really but that's what he said. "

Jethro sat forward, his head in his hands. He ran his fingers through his hair and stood up. He went back to the window and stared into the night. He wanted to hit something or someone.

"You know, Tobias was one of my only friends and now that's gone too."

Alex waited a moment before she replied. "Maybe not forever. What part of Tobias coming after you hurt you the most?"

"The punch to the eye was no picnic."

"Not what I meant."

"I know. Being called a selfish, reckless bastard was hard to hear at that point."

"Do you see yourself that way, Jethro? In this case I mean."

"I was focused only on my case. Solving the case. Catching the killer. I should have seen the pattern sooner. Should have kept Diane out of it. She blindsided me bringing Rebecca to the crime scene at the beginning of the case and I just never paid attention to what was really happening. I should have seen it the first day, at the diner. It was so obvious but I let myself be distracted by those two. I spent too much time thinking about us and our pasts instead of seeing what was really going on. Maybe I wasn't focused on the case at all. Maybe I was thinking about Rebecca. She threw me when she came to the house and wound up spending the night. I let myself get caught up in what she was doing and I lost focus on the damn case. I should have told Diane to come see me instead of meeting her. I knew something was wrong but I just didn't want to fool with her so I went along. If I had been paying attention I would have realized right away it was a set up. I screwed up and got Diane killed. I let the bastard get away. Then, later, I didn't wait for my team when they found him. If I had, he'd be dead now and it would be over."

"So you were selfish and reckless?"

"Isn't that what I just said?"

She thought he was trying to sound angry with her but he couldn't quite pull it off. She hadn't known about Rebecca being in the picture again but she didn't want to get into that now. Somehow she knew there more to the story of the black eye and the bruised jaw than Jethro had said. He wouldn't be so upset about Tobias being hurt and angry; he would understand that better than anyone.

"What did Tobias say that really hurt you, Jethro?"

"You don't think having one of your only friends call you a selfish, reckless bastard for getting the woman he was going to marry killed is really hurtful? You don't think knowing I am to blame for this terrorist being on the loose is bad enough?"

"Yes, it is but you'd already made those judgments about yourself before Tobias showed up. Right?"

Jethro didn't answer for a long few moments. When he did, it was in a quiet, resigned voice.

"Yeah. I already knew I'd screwed up. I didn't need Tobias telling me what I'd done."

Alex got up and went to stand next to Jethro.

"So, what else did he say?"

Jethro took some deep breaths, scrubbed his hands over his face and leaned his forehead on the cool glass of the window.

"He asked me what he was supposed to tell Emily. How he was going to explain that her mom was dead because some crazy guy hated me. I said I'd talk to her and he told me to stay away from her. He said he didn't want me anywhere around her. He was very clear about that. I tried to tell him I was sorry but he wouldn't hear it. Can't blame him for that either. Or for telling me to stay away from his daughter. I'm not someone Emily should be close to anymore. God, I hate that! I hate that her mom is gone because of me. I'll never be able to explain that to her. Never."

Now his condition and his anguish made sense to her. Alex reached out and put her hand on Jethro's back. She knew how much he cared for Diane's young daughter. This was a crushing blow for him and undoubtedly doubled his guilt about Diane's death.

"Oh, Jethro, I'm so sorry. I know you love Emily. I have a feeling she'll seek you out despite her dad's feelings."

"She shouldn't. I'm not someone Emily needs in her life."

"You're wrong, Jethro. Emily needs as many people in her life who love her as she can get. From what you've told me about her Emily is a smart young lady and she loves you. She trusts you. To lose you on top of losing her mother would be so difficult for her. In time, I imagine you and Emily will be alright."

Jethro turned to face her with tears in his eyes.

"I love that kid, you know. She's part of Diane and Diane used to be part of me. I look at her and I think about what could have been. I watch Tobias with her and my heart breaks all over again because I can't have that. It hurts me to be with Emily but it helps at the same time. I can't explain it. I just can't believe I let this happen."

Tears were staining his battered face and Jethro looked as lost as Alex had ever seen him. She reached for his hands and pulled him into a hug. She could feel his exhaustion in the way he leaned into her. She rubbed his back and held him while he cried for all he'd lost in last few days.

When he finally stood back Jethro wiped his face in his hands and gave Alex a small smile.

"I should go."

"No, you should not. I don't think we're finished, my friend. You're in no shape to go anywhere and don't even think of arguing with me."

"Okay."

Alex thought that was much too easy but she wasn't going to question it. She led Jethro back to the couch and told him to sit down. She got him another shot of bourbon and handed him the glass. He swallowed in one gulp.

"Thanks. You tryin' to get me drunk?"

"That would be pretty easy tonight I think but no, that is not my intention. In fact, I'd like you to get some sleep if you can."

"Not yet. Let's just sit here for a while if that's okay."

"That is perfectly fine."

They sat for almost half an hour without speaking. After just a few minutes Jethro reached for her hand and held on. He put his head back and tried to clear his head. He wasn't very successful at that but sitting in the quiet with Alex, holding her hand and knowing she was there only for him helped a lot. He knew he loved Alex in a way that he had never loved another woman. He respected her and depended on her as he never allowed himself to do with anyone else; man or woman. He sensed she loved him too but they both knew there was a limit on their relationship; a line they could not afford to cross. Jethro sometimes wondered what Alex got out of their relationship. He was very aware that he was the taker and she the giver in their arrangement and it puzzled and worried him that she was okay with that. Sometimes, like tonight, he knew he was taking advantage of her.

Two bottles of water and three shots of bourbon had worked their way through Jethro's system and eventually he stood up to go to the bathroom. Alex went to her private bathroom while he was gone down the hall. She knew in her heart Jethro had a lot more to say tonight and she was sure it was going to be tough going for him. And for her in some respects. She changed from her skirt and jacket into some soft, comfy pants and a long sleeve tee shirt and went back to wait for Jethro. She thought about the last time he'd come to see her. It was about a month after his father died. He showed up one evening with a pizza and a six-pack of beer. The talked for hours about his dad and his regrets and how glad he was they had mended their relationship in recent years.

When Jethro came back he went to stand at the window.

From her seat on the couch, Alex asked, "Where have you been the last few days, Jethro?"

"I went to my cabin for a day but I was afraid DiNozzo would track me down there so I left. Drove south with no destination in mind. I just wanted to get away from here and be by myself for a while. I wound up in Wilmington and stayed on the beach for a couple of days. Took long walks. Sat and watched the water. I couldn't sleep. Every time I tried I saw Diane on that roof. I tried to figure out what I wanted to do next. Then you called and here I am.

"Wilmington is where you and Shannon used to go isn't it?"

"Yeah."

In her years of knowing and working with Jethro, Alex had learned there was usually a question that unlocked a door for him. She never knew what that question would be but tonight is was that simple question about going to the beach with Shannon.

Jethro moved back to the couch and sat down within reach of Alex. Being close to her often helped him talk. She was sitting sideways with one leg tucked up underneath her. She knew he needed that closeness tonight so as she very often did she held his hand and slowly rubbed her free hand up and down his forearm. For as long as they had been talking like this, their physical contact had soothed him and kept him grounded so he could say the things he otherwise would not.

Without looking at her he very quietly said, "I'm not the person she thought I was."

"That was a very long time ago, Jethro. A lot has happened and yes, you have changed. Everyone does. Shannon would have."

He went on softly as if he hadn't heard her.

"I'm not the person my dad thought I was either. You remember me telling you about meeting the old German guy who saved my dad? Well, when we were in that fella's room my dad said I was the best person he knew. I'm not though. I'm not the best person anyone knows. I'm not."

Alex didn't say anything. It hurt her to hear the pain and disillusionment in Jethro's voice but she knew him well enough to keep quiet and let him get it out.

"I was never the same after Shannon and Kelly died. Sometimes I hated what I did in the Corps but I always had Shannon to come home to and that made it bearable. I could live with the things that were done in the war because I had her waiting for me. Then they were gone and I had no anchor. No one to help me accept the bad things that had to be done in the name of duty. I went off the rail. I got my revenge but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered for a long time. Mike took me in, helped me get on with NCIS, and I learned to cover up what was going on with me. He never wanted to know anyway. At least I didn't think he did.

I got good at my job and that allowed me to hide in the work and ignore all the anger and hate I kept inside. Then Diane came along. By then I thought I could do it; be someone another person wanted to be with. I guess I was for a while but I couldn't keep it up. Not even for Jenny. Not for any of them. Finally I accepted I wasn't going to be with anyone again like I had been with Shannon and I was okay with that. I got to where I could accept being alone and I even came to like it."

He was rambling and Alex began to worry just a bit about where all this was going. She wasn't sure what all this had to do with Diane's murder and the case but she forced herself to be quiet and just listen. Jethro rarely got so far off track that she couldn't follow him but tonight he seemed to be all over the place.

Jethro glanced over at Alex and saw she was watching him carefully. She had never stopped stroking his arm. He knew she was worried about him and he was a little bit worried himself. He wasn't sure exactly what he was trying to tell her. The whole experience with Sergei had been so confusing and now with Diane gone and Tobias so angry things were more out of control than ever. The truth was, Jethro didn't know what to do next or if he even wanted to do anything next.

"I'm messed up, huh?"

"You sound confused and hurt, Jethro. You're forgetting the good things you've accomplished in your life; the people you've helped and the lives you've saved. You're focused only on the losses in your life and that's natural right now. You are a good person, Jethro. You have done a lot of good in your lifetime; overcome a lot of sadness and hurt. You will have to find a way to focus on the people you have left and the job you have to do."

"Those things don't seem too important right now."

They were quiet for a while. Jethro let his head fall back and Alex thought he might fall asleep.

"I miss my dad."

"I imagine you do. He was someone who would have reminded you of the good person you really are."

Jethro took his hand from her and ran his fingers through his hair. He rubbed his eyes and sat forward with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He was so tired. His back hurt from sleeping in his truck and he missed the security of his basement.

"I don't know what to do next, Al."

"What do you _want_ to do."

Jethro got up and walked around in circles for a few minutes.

"Go somewhere far away and sleep for about a week. Lay on a beach for a month or so then come back to work after the whole mess is over."

"That sounds good to me. Why don't I think that's what you'll do?"

"Maybe 'cos you know me too well."

Jethro actually smiled at her for the first time that evening. A real smile; not just the half-smile, half-smirk he used most of the time.

"I can't do that because I don't want my team to clean up my mess. I always do that myself and this can't be any different. The beach does sound good though."

"Yes it does. I wish I could tell you to go lay in the sun and let the team deal with this monster but I can't. You have to finish it, Jethro, just like you always have in the past."

"Yeah, I do."

"Jethro, I don't know all the details of what happened to Diane but I know if it had been within your power to save her you would have You're in the midst of a terrible time but nothing about it is your fault. I know it's hard for you to accept that because you take the protection of people you love very seriously but you must find a way to let go of the guilt you're feeling or it will eat you up. You know that from hard experience."

"It's going to take a while this time. You'd think it would get easier as much practice as I've had but it doesn't."

"No it doesn't get easier. Give Tobias some time. He's hurting right now but he knows you wouldn't have let anything happen to Diane if you could have stopped it. If you can, give yourself some time too."

"I think I've taken my time in the last week. I have to go back to work and find the bastard and end this."

Alex was glad to hear Jethro's voice stronger than when he arrived. He still looked like hell but he sounded better at least.

"Are you still seeing Holly?"

Jethro looked at her in surprise. He hadn't talked to Alex about Holly Snow in months.

"Yeah. Why do you ask?"

"Have you talked to her since this all happened?"

"No. I left town the next day. I haven't talked to anyone but you since that night. Why are you asking about Holly?"

"Don't you think she'd want to know you're alright? That she'd want to hear from you after what happened?"

Jethro studied her and tried to glare at her as he did everyone else when the subject of his personal life came up but that was useless with Alex and he knew it. After all he had bared his soul to this woman more than once over the years and he knew she had only his best interest at heart. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Holly Snow was off limits to everyone except Alex it seemed.

"I guess she would. I'm sure she knows I'm alright. If I wasn't Ducky would have made sure to tell her. He's the only one who knows about us. Except you of course."

"Good, I'm glad you have that arrangement. I'm asking because I think you need to call her, let her know you're safe and go see her."

"Alex…" He started to protest but Alex cut him off.

"Jethro, you need to be with someone who cares about you. Someone who can give you the comfort you need. You and Holly have been together for quite a while now and I believe she deserves the opportunity to do that. Don't shut her out. Let her see you hurting and let her help you."

Jethro studied her for a while and then smiled.

"That your professional advice, Doc?"

"Yes, it most certainly is. We've talked about this before. Shutting out the people who care about you is an insult to their feelings for you. Holly is a strong woman who obviously cares a great deal for you. Give her the respect she deserves and let her know you trust her with your feelings both good and back."

Jethro was back looking out the window. He had been thinking about Holly while he was gone and knew he missed her. Their's was an unusual relationship but it had endured for longer than most of Jethro's did. It helped that they were always honest with each other. That is probably why he hadn't called her yet; he was hesitant to let her see the shape he was in at the moment. Alex was right though, Holly could take it. And it would be nice to see her and spend some time with her before he went back to work.

Alex came over to stand beside him.

"So, will you call her?"

"Yes. You're right as usual. I need to see her."

"Good. I love it when you take my advice."

Jethro turned and pulled Alex into a hug. He felt so much better than he had two hours ago when he walked into her office.

"Thank you for always being here for me."

"You're welcome. I want you to promise me you will call me in a couple of weeks and let me know how you're doing. Of course you can call sooner if you need to."

"I will."

Jethro stepped back and kissed her on the forehead.

"I don't know what I'd do without you Alex."

"You don't need to worry about that. I'm always here for you, Jethro."

"I should get going. Come on let me walk you to your car."

When they stepped out the front door of the building Jethro saw a car parked next to his truck with the engine running. He instinctively reached for his Sig and pushed Alex behind him. As he brought the gun up, DiNozzo stepped out of the car and leaned over the top with his arms on the frame.

"Don't shoot Boss. Just me."

"Dammit DiNozzo!"

Jethro put his arm around Alex and walked her to her car.

"Thanks again. I'll call you in a few days."

"Jethro, call Holly. Take care of yourself."

"I will. Bye."

After Alex was safely away Jethro walked over to his truck. DiNozzo was leaning on the passenger door.

"What are you doin' here Tony?"

"Makin' sure you're okay."

"Well, as you can see I'm fine. You found my killer yet?"

"No. Where you been Boss?"

Jethro looked at his senior agent and knew he owed him at least a partial explanation.

"I needed some time to clear my head. I'll be in the office on Monday."

"Ducky told me what happened with Fornell. You talked to him?"

"No. Don't expect to anytime soon. Go home DiNozzo. I'm fine."

"Okay Boss."

Jethro got in his truck and pulled out his phone.

END


End file.
